Iraq Short / By: Beefylogs

[Screen shows 'The 75th Annual Academy Awards' | Announcer 1: And here's your host, Steeevvveee Maaarrrttttiiiin----]

[Announcer 2: FOX interrupts this broadcast to bring you...

[Changing channel {fuzz} Announcer 3: --interrupts Will and Grace to...

[Changing channel [fuzz} Announcer 4: to bring you ABC's Countdown to...

[Changing channel {fuzz} Announcer 5: NBC's War Clock...

[Changing channel {fuzz} Announcer 6: --BS's Agenda for War. We now go live to New York...

News reporter: If you're just tuning in, this is CNN Headline News: Countdown to War. Our Senior Brown-People Country Correspondant, Steve Nelly, is standing by live, via satellite, in Baghdad.

Steve: That's right, Brian, despite the war I'm still here reporting live in Baghdad. As you know it is only a matter of seconds before the countdown to war is over, and CNN Headline News is going to bring you live footage of Baghdad for as long as we damn please, via satellite.

News reporter: Thank you Steve --- [touches headpiece] wait, i'm getting word that the big bomb is about to drop! Lets go live to John Doe in Washington, D.C.

[Washington D.C. - John Doe is standing in front of a crowd of hundreds of people, surrounded by the Washington Monument, which on the top has a long pole with a big bomb at the top of it with lights around it (like New Years eve in NY)]

John Doe: Thank you, Brian, Steve. Yes, I am here in Washington D.C. where it's only a matter of time until the big bomb drops. In fact, the countdown will begin in a matter of seconds.

News reporter: Fantastic, John. In the mean time, don't forget to catch our post encore presentation of the countdown airing immediately following the encore presentation, at 10:00 Eastern Standard Time.

[People chanting: ten, nine, eight]

John Doe [Countdown resuming in background]: The countdown has begun, Brian! Five...

=Shows close up of bomb slowly dropping

=[Shows Steve Nelly standing live via satellite staring at camera for a second. Steve saying "Ten"]

=["Three" - shows Brian counting down]

=["Two" - shows Dubya, Cheney, Colin Powell, other political people chanting]

=["One" (On TV) - shows crowd of about 75 Iraqi people (scared, anxious) huddled around a small black and white TV]


[Bomb hits bottom, lights turn on around it in Red, White then Blue]

[Kazoos, confetti goes off. People start celebrating jumpin around and stuff]

News reporter: America, we are officially at war! How does it feel, John?

John Doe [getting off of beer bong]: Awh, rock on! Woo! [Runs off shot]

[Shows Dubya, Cheney, Colin Powell, etc. drinking wine coolers, celebrating]

Dubya: Yeehaw! Oh man, this is great! [Dubya pulls out a cowboy-type revolver and fires shots into the air a few times]

Colin Powell: Christ, George, that's fucked up, yo. That lead could come down and cap some innocent lil kid in the head, man.

Dubya: Dear God, what was I thinking?

Colin Powell: I 'unno dawg. [Sparks joint] You straight fucked up.

Dubya: Colin, you calling me an idiot?

Colin Powell [fidgety]: No, no. Of course not. [Hits joint hard]

[Bill Clinton walks on screen]

Clinton: I smell some skunky shit over here. Did someone light up a fattie?... Shit, pass that over here, Colin, we're at war!

[Hits joint, doesn't inhale, and blows smoke back out]

Clinton: Ooooh yeah. I'mma be straight baked.

[Back to CNN Headline News]

News reporter: John? John? It looks like we've lost the feed from Washington. Lets go back to Steve Nelly in Baghdad. Hows it going out there, Steve?

Steve: Brian, let me tell you, [In the background, missiles in the far distance shoot into the air QUICKLY, going offscreen.] Baghdad seems somewhat quiet ton---

[<Quick static> Shows 'CBS News: Operation Iraqi Freedom - Technical Difficulties - Please stand by.' -- Cuts to black]

[<Fade In> Shows Colin Powell in bed waking up {close up shot}{Distant puking sounds in the background} - Wakes up and yawns]

Colin Powell: Uuughhhh...

[Looks to the right - {Goes to wide shot} - Shows him in bed next to Dick Cheney]

Colin: Ahww, shiat.

[Pans to Dubya walking by door in hall, wiping his mouth, stops in doorframe, "Dick... Colin... office down the hall, round one... 20 minutes..." then continues walking]

[Oval Office: Bush, Dick and Colin are sitting at one side of the table, Colin and Dubya with icepacks on their heads. Colin Powell is sitting on a butt donut | They sit there for a for a few seconds before anyone says anything]

Dubya: Ugh... what did we do last night?

Dick: You bombed Iraq, Mr. President.

Dubya: Iraq? ... with that six-fingered feller?

Powell: No, that was that other place... shit I 'unno, bro, I can't even think right hurr.

Dubya: Mmm...... Oh, that place with the pockmarked guy who looks like Edward James Olmos, only fatter?

Powell: Fuckin' aye, didn't I just tell you I can't think right now?! [holds head]

Dick: I think you're talking about Panama, Mr. President. Last night we bombed Iraq, you know, the country under the rule of the evil dictator Saddam Hussein.

[Dubya stares at Dick]

Dick: ... he possesses weapons of mass destruction...

[Dubya continues to stare blankly at Dick]

Dick: He... he violated international law by invading Kuwait in 1991...

[Dubya still stares]

Dick: ... he.. tried to kill your father...

Dubya: Ah-ha! [Background, Colin Powell {gripping head tighter}: Easy!] Good!.... very good... we won yet?

Dick: I'm not sure

Colin: Just check the fuckin' news.

[Turns on TV, goes to full screen shot of TV, shows static, cuts back to CBS: Agenda for War {shows cheesy graphic again}]

News reporter: Sorry about that folks. The technology, uh, used to bring you satellite images of Iraq is very new and it's extremely rare when it does not work... Until we get the uplink back with Steve, lets go to our Senior Hollywood Correspondent, Patrick Liely.

Pat: Thank you, Brian. Yes, last night, rich famous people from Hollywood all expressed their abundant political intelligence at the 75th Annual Oscar Awards. The biggest shocker last night was the acceptance speech of Michael Moore.

[Cuts to previous night: Academy Awards 2003]

Michael Moore: We are against this war, Mr. Bush!!! Shame on--

[A few bullets fall through the roof (in the same timing as the bullets Bush shot earlier), one hitting Moore, killing him. He falls on the ground and is bleh. The crowd sits silent and still, as if waiting for something to happen. Steve Martin comes from screen right and drags Moore's body off screen right.]


The persons and events in this script are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons or events is unintentional.

Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, Michael Moore, George Bush, Colin Powell and Steve Martin did not authorize the use of their names in this script.